Yes we had a love marriage, yes I dreamt of the stars and the moon and yes, life is never close to what dreams are. My marriage of 9 years falls apart this year. I took it all for nine long years – an unemployed husband, his foul language, beatings – torture in all the physical and mental forms that you can imagine.
He was irresponsible, careless and insensitive. Like any other silly girl I made the mistake of trying to change things by planning a baby. The poor child came to a father who didn’t have an iota of love or affection for him. His life continued in the same way – friends, drinking, violent behavior and no sense of belonging towards the little child or me.
No, I was never scared of him. I was scared of losing him maybe. I wanted to change him, make him a better person and I believed in love way too much. My efforts were falling flat all along, his hate was growing but my love would just not cease.
I am well educated and was earning decently, was doing everything for myself and for my son. We both had everything we needed for living a good life, but we were probably banking on the wrong people for those little things in life. He had never given me physical, mental, social, financial security, so why was I still expecting it? All that I needed was always there within me and my little darling, so why was I so dependent, why was I always failing in an attempt to set things right. I needed something, someone to shake me, and life was waiting.
Then came the last straw. It was a brawl as usual, it was a beating as always and it was an injury on the forehead and 8 stitches. I told myself that this was it. I knew that night that it was going nowhere. I spoke to a few people about it and was surprised by the amount of support I got from friends and relatives, most of whom told me that I deserved far more from life.
Finally I made my decision. The day I decided to sort things out, there was more violence and I realized very soon that there was much more strength in me, much more determination and there was a clear focus – I and my son deserved a better life. That night could have killed me if not for that accidental call to a dear friend who rushed me to the hospital. I decided I had to live, live with dignity, live in peace, live with and live for my son.
Life has left me with many scars, mental and physical, that will never heal. I have learnt the hard way. Love is precious, it is beautiful and it is just not worthy of people who do not value life and relationships. A person who does not value your being, your existence and your individuality has no right to command or influence your life.I took nine years to realize this and take this step towards judicial separation. But if you face something similar, do not think twice. Never think things will change, get up and change them for yourself. If it hurts, it is not worth it. Period.