Some Questions that need to be answered on Domestic Violence

Anand Philip writes on this:

 

Background: Poet and Dalit activist Meena kandasamy recently wrote about her story of domestic violence. She is an evocative writer and her article has resulted in a lot of conversation on various web-platforms.  Among the usual “hear hear” and “she must be lying”  comments were a few a few questions that are very important to be answered. This is a post addressing those questions. 

Note: I am not trying to explain Meena Kandasamy’s story, I have no business doing that. I am strictly answering general questions on the topic of Domestic violence.

How can feminists be victims of violence?

A lot of you are raising a reasonable question, how can someone so “strong”, a fierce feminist, put up with domestic violence. I hope this leads to you searching for truths about domestic violence, and not concluding that her story is fabricated or false based on a presupposition that strong women do not get beaten up. On my timeline on twitter, stories were pouring in about VP’s of companies, Doctors, and NGO owners who were victims of violence who suffered in silence for a long time. This is, no doubt, puzzling and I hope to explain why.

Read more here.

Lulling women into a false sense of security

The recent statements on women dressing modestly to prevent rapes by people in authority led Harini Calamur to write this:

“Open any newspaper and you will see small news items on burglaries. Break-ins and robberies are on the rise. Youngsters are taking to burglary to fund a lavish lifestyle. They rob from the upwardly mobile, the rich and fence the goods that they have stolen to earn cash that they use to buy more. They want a quick and easy way of earning money. Most burglaries are not violent and are opportunistic crimes. If you looked at the root cause of the crime it is that there are people in the world who have more than the robbers. And it is that ‘more’ that becomes an object of attraction. If people didn’t earn money, become rich and have wealth there would be no one who would want to rob them.”

 

Read more here.

Kept in Her Place

Samar Halarnkar writes in the Hindustan Times about the sudden spate of remarks by officials, academics and politicians linking rape to provocative clothing and why this thinking is tacitly supported.

http://epaper.hindustantimes.com/PUBLICATIONS/HT/HKL/2012/01/05/ArticleHtmls/Maha-Bharat-Kept-in-her-place-05012012008023.shtml?Mode=1

Men Say No Blogathon

‘Men Say No Blogathon’

On a Computer near you, 24 November to 10 December 2011

 

What Is a Blogathon

A Blogathon is an online event during which participating bloggers write one or more posts on a theme chosen by the host. The host blogger links each entry written for the Blogathon on one central post on her or his blog. People who visit the host blog thus have a “table of contents” from which to go to read as many blog posts as they want. In turn, each participating blogger links back to the central post so that readers who want to see what else has been written for the Blogathon can find out easily.

 

Why ‘Men Say No’

We believe that the violence against women can be eradicated only when men take up serious action against it. With this Blogathon, we want to collect ideas, thoughts and experiences of diverse men and women on the importance of men’s role and the urgency of the issue.  We hope that this Blogathon will help expose men to ideas they may never have seen before and find unique insights and perspectives on Violence against Women.

The sense of community, change and action is genuine for those of us who hold and participate in this Blogathon. ‘Men Say No’ will allow bloggers and readers to really dive into the many facets of violence against women, men’s reaction to it and everything in between.

 

What To Do

We invite diverse blogs that share experiences of men challenging Violence against women, celebrate the action leaders, provide perspective on role of men, and even highlight the barriers to male participation & leadership.  All you need to do is to write a blogpost and share it on your own blog. Only that you should post this blog entry between 24 November and 10 December 2011 and mention that its part of the ‘Men Say No’ Blogathon. All the participants are also be asked to include the link to the host blog (www.mustbol.in/team-blog). Must Bol (and partners) will market and share these blogs through diverse social media platforms.

 

It will be wonderful to inform us in advance about your participation in the Blogathon. Just drop a mail at kuber.sharma@commutiny.in ormustbol@commutiny.in

 

Why These Dates?

25 November to 10^th December is the International 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence, an international campaign that was started in 1991. The 16 Days runs from November 25, International Day against Violence against Women  - to December 10, International Human Rights Day to symbolically link violence against women and human rights and to emphasise that such violence is a violation of human rights. We would like to run this Blogathon in solidarity with this global initiative.

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Must बोल is a youth led campaign to examine violence in our lives and speak out against it.
join us on http://MustBol.in/
and engage with us on http://www.Facebook.com/DelhiYouth
Get up and Speak Out, because your opinion matters!!

Everyone deserves happiness….

“11 years ago, on this day, Teja and I were in court signing a register. Dhanno was 7. After we had finished the business with the magistrate, Dhanno cried and cried. The magistrate had forgotten to take her signature, wasn’t she going to be married to us as well? A friend ran in and got her a yellowing, legal looking paper and got her to sign on it. “The magistrate forgot to take your sign, Dhanno”, he said. She was happy.

A month later, at the small wedding ceremony we had at Teja’s house, there she is again in all the photos, between the two of us, as the pooja is completed, looking solemn and involved.

13 years ago, when she was 5, she announced to Teja’s mother on our first visit to Teja’s home, that she would never ‘allow’ Teja and me to marry. I was already married to her Daddy.”

Read the rest of this post here

What’s the good word?

By Seema Goswami in HT Brunch

“Of all the words that seek to hide a grim reality behind innocuous euphemisms – honour killings, collateral damage, dowry deaths – the most ludicrous has to be ‘eve-teasing’. And of late we have been getting an overdose of this word in our media because of the horrific murders of two Mumbai boys, Keenan Santos and Reuben Fernandez.

These two young men were out with friends one evening when some ‘eve-teasers’ started misbehaving with the girls in the group. Keenan and Reuben objected to their behaviour and got into an altercation. The miscreants left, only to return with a gang of rowdies. A fight ensured, in the course of which the goons stabbed both Keenan and Reuben (I wonder, does that make them ‘knife-wielders’ rather than murderers?). Keenan died on the spot. Reuben passed away a week later in hospital. And we were told that the boys had paid the ultimate price for standing up against the menace of ‘eve-teasing’.”

Read the rest of this column here. http://www.hindustantimes.com/Brunch/Brunch-Stories/What-s-the-good-word/Article1-768184.aspx

When I walked away…a blog post by perspectivesandprejudices

If you’re a victim yourself, please speak up… there is a compassionate world out there, with people willing to help you. If you aren’t a victim, but see something happen, try to do something about it – even if its as simple as blogging about it. And by all means, if there is something you can do about it  - stop for a moment and do it.

Read rest of the post here

 

 

Violence against women by Anon

This is not a survivor story. Surviving an ordeal entails more than the constant struggle to get through it. A survivor is a former victim who breaks free of abuse and brings about a positive change to his/her life. This could be a story about lifelong engagement with all the wrongs, hoping against hope to turn things around to make them right. The age old sob story that features a woman harried, harassed, humiliated and violated time and again by her spouse, kids that are scared, scarred and devoid of any sense of security and the lone man – the perpetrator.

I am not qualified to write her story though, seeing as I have failed to understand and accept the motivations behind her decision to battle it out till date. As an ‘indirect’ victim, what I know to be true is of a life that is so poisonous and explosive that fear becomes second nature. I have been married for six months to a man I chose. In fights, I invariably end up taking the more aggressive tone, ready to push before I can be pushed. My reference points are skewed to my disadvantage and I have to constantly remind myself that I am not living my parent’s marriage. In case there are children involved, the only way to shield them from all the unpleasantness is by changing the environment they grow up in. Research tells us that children from homes with domestic violence history are clinically proven to suffer long term psychological trauma. Let us look at a few numbers:

• ·         90% of children from violent homes witness their fathers beating their mothers.
• ·         Children in homes where violence occurs are physically abused or neglected at a much higher rate than the national average.
• ·         Daughters of abused women are six times more likely to be sexually abused as girls from non-abusive families.
• ·         Child victims of severe violence have two to four times higher rates of trouble making friends, temper tantrums, failing grades in school, having problems in school and at home.

 

       I haven’t particularly added any new findings. We are all aware that the effects of domestic violence are devastating if one considers the vicious cycle it starts and the ways in which it affects the future generations. Studies have shown that in most cases, domestic abuse victims are repeat sufferers and the abuser, a repeat offender.  That first slap is not the last slap. Moreover, domestic abuse cuts across class barriers and majority of its victims suffer in silence and the perpetrator goes scot-free. In the recent Darshan case, while the KFPA banning Nikitha Thukral has garnered much interest and outrage and rightly so, what do we have to say about Vijaylakshmi – the battered wife – who is party to a compromise in what’s now being called a ‘family matter’? Financial dependency, lack of parental/outside support, attempts to save the marriage, children’s needs and social pressure and stigma are cited as varied factors that eventually decide if a victim continues in an abusive relationship. In some cases, victim’s social position adversely affects her choice. Irrespective of the compulsions of the victim, the turning point is when one decides to become a ‘survivor’ by showing the necessary will and courage to put the abusive relationship in the past and bring about positive changes in life. It is often easier said than done but any compromise on physical safety and mental well-being could eventually extract a far greater cost.

Don’t suffer silently – Talk to Family/Friends/Acquaintances. Speak openly, ask for help, if no help is forthcoming, try to get outside support. Contact the Domestic violence support groups/ Police – Sometimes the well-meaning folks try to broker peace. Share your story; insist on help to get out of the ugly situation. Try to contact women’s organizations that run shelters to support victims of domestic violence.

Walking out might not be an easy option for many but a lifetime of emotional or physical abuse can be very damaging. Walk out if it doesn’t stop. But more than anything please walk out if you have kids. Writing this piece hasn’t been easy. It brings back all the ugly memories I struggle to forget every day. I might not know much about broken homes, but I do know about living with a broken spirit and it isn’t pretty.

Disclaimer: I understand that violence against women in a domestic set-up is an issue that has multiple aspects and I have only tried to put forth my point of view.

From Team VAWAM.

And with that, dear friends, we reach the end of October, a month and more when over 80 bloggers (and their readers) focussed attention on the violence faced by women. Whether Female Foeticide or Domestic Violence or Marital Rape or Street Sexual Harassment (we refuse to call it the cutesy Eve teasing), to the horrific aspects of gender based violence like rape, murder, acid attacks, genital mutilation, we discussed them all.

Across the blogosphere, women wrote about aspects of gender based violence they had witnessed or experienced, their reactions to it. Some sent in anonymous survivor stories which we posted here on the blog. We partnered with organizations like Prajnya, RAHI, Blank Noise, Bell Bajao and Women in War Zones for gender violence-related posts and live chats on Twitter, meant to provoke discussion and debate on issues. We had a Twitter chat with a lawyer meant for people to ask questions on the legalities surrounding various issues, and to help people know their rights when it came to gender related violence.

Helping us in this effort were Blogadda, Womensweb and The Alternative, which promoted the message, and helped us reach a wider audience. Add to this, the kindness of columnists like Namita Bhandare, Priya Ramani and Natasha Badhwar who wrote about these issues in the course of the month, helping amplify the message. The effort was simple, to get people to start talking about these issues, about why we keep silent when harassed on the streets, (the Keenan Santos murder happened this month), about why we consider a little bit of slapping around our fault, about why we take it for granted that marriage automatically confers sexual consent, and why girl foetuses are unwanted.

Thank you, all you wonderful people, who pitched in, who wrote in, who responded, who added your voice to ours, who stood by us, while we tried to get our voices heard. Thank you for your attention to the messages we tried to put out, thank you for your pro-activeness on twitter, your comments on our blog, your posts on your own blogs.

Violence Against Women is not going to go away. Not in a hurry. Maybe not in our lifetime. But let us all make a start. Somewhere, somehow, in our own little ambits, by refusing to be victims, by refusing to watch silently while some other woman is being made a victim.

Note to All Contributors.

Thank you so much for all the posts/articles you sent in. If you have sent in a contribution which has been not been acknowledged &/or posted during the Violence Against Women Month, please do mail us. It has been a mad few weeks and we would like to be sure that nothing has slipped through the cracks.

Thanks,
Team VAWM

P. S.
Publishing continues to be at our discretion, of course.